


The Journal of an Alien

by JustcallmeStar



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff and Humor, Light Angst, Possibly Unrequited Love, Secret Crush, Teenagers, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:46:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23293462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustcallmeStar/pseuds/JustcallmeStar
Summary: Alex, told through Kara's past and present feelings through the years.A slight character study on Kara's relationship with Alex, through Kara's old journal entries.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Kara Danvers, Alex Danvers/Kara Danvers
Comments: 9
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

June 14th, 2004

I think that Alex is starting to not hate me. Today when we came home from school, she made me a sandwich which is something she has never done before, something about 'creepy alien eating habits.' I do not mind this new change, Alex had plenty of reason to be mad at me so it's nice that she is letting go of some of that anger. And also free food is always good.

***************

"Hey Kara, are we out of milk again?" Alex questioned as she closed the fridge door.

Looking over the back of the couch, Kara pouted.  
"Yeah, I used the rest of it this morning on my Captain Crunch." It had barely been enough too, she had a tendency to 'drown her cereal' as Alex frequently said.

"Oh, stop pouting, I'll pick some up tommorow." Alex chuckled, closing the fridge door and heading back over to the couch. "But what about my cereal in the morning?" Kara whined, as Alex sat down beside her and unpaused the TV.

"How about you eat something healthier than cereal for once?" 

"Okay miss I-eat-takeout-three-days-a-week."

"That's not fair, I only eat takeout when I'm with you."

"Oh, so you're saying your bad habits are my fault?" 

"My bad eating habits, at least. Your puppy eyes are as much as a power as your heat vision."

Kara smiled, happy with the light banter. She treasured every moment with Alex, especially since becoming Supergirl because it might be her last. 

She didn't quite know a comeback for that, so instead she picked up one of the couch cushions and hit Alex upside the head with it.

Only that was a bad decision, if the narrowing of hazel eyes was any indication.

Regret Regret Regret.

And then, Alex smirked evilly and smiled.

"Alex-no please- I love you- GAH!"

***************

August 5th, 2004

Today, I had what Eliza described as a 'panic attack' which is a rather suitable name. I'm not quite sure what triggered it, but it felt like there was a rather heavy weight compressing my lungs and I was trapped in a dark room. It caused, hence the name, a rather large amount of panic. I accidentally broke a bunch of dishes and and a chair, though I'd rather it be that than someone's bones. Alex is the one who managed to calm me down by whispering an old kryptonian lullaby that I tought her. We've become friends, in a sense, talking until late in the night about anything and everything. She is rather intelligent, and is easily picking up the Kryptonian I've been teaching her. Had be been on Krypton, I believe she would have been a member of the science guild. She would have been a suitable mate. 

***************

Kara smiled in childish delight as she licked the ice cream off her spoon. Ice cream was a gift from the heavens. Who ever invented it was a genius. Feeling eyes on her, she turned to look at Alex.

"Wat?" She questioned with her mouth full. Alex raised an eyebrow.

"If you were human you would die of brain freeze. Also, you're supposed to eat and then speak." The brunette said as they walked along the sidewalk. 

Kara quickly swallowed. "Well, if I solar flare and then die of brain freeze, I'll listen to your warnings. But until then, the best way to eat anything is to stuff it all on your mouth at once. Its logic."

"No it's not. When you're wolfing it down like a dog, how do you even taste it?" Alex fired back as she took a bit of her own ice cream.

"First of all, how dare you talk about dogs like that- don't roll your eyes at me- and second of all, tasting isn't always the best part of eating."

"........"

"What?"

"........"

"Alex?"

"That's what she said."

"ALEX!"

***************

October 16th, 2004

So Halloween is arriving soon, and I am debating whether or not I should participate. I did not last year because I was still adjusting to Earth and its rather strange customs. I understand more now, though I still don't get the point of dressing up in strange costumes and recieving candy from the neighbors. Alex says its really about the spirit of Halloween, about having fun and pretending to be something you don't get to be any other day. I told her that I like her just the way she is, because I don't understand why she would want to change. Alex is amazing, does she not she that about herself? I suspect she doesn't, humans have strange views on self-esteem. I have decided that I will participate if Alex does, but I will also attempt to show Alex how amazing she is just being herself.

***************

"BOO!"

"Alex I literally have super senses, why do you continually try to scare me?"

"Because sometimes it works."

"Only when I'm sleeping."

"C'mon Kar! Its Halloween! Prime time for candy and horror movies!"

Kara's eyes widened. She _hated_ horror movies. Alex, however, noticed and immediately perked up. 

"Oh yeah. Let's go watch Freddy Kruger." She laughed as she tugged Kara away from the kitchen island and towards the couch.

"I hate you." Kara pouted as she sat down and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I love you too." Alex replied as she started the movie and kissed Kara's cheek.

Kara tried to hide her smile. Though she wouldn't admit it, she'd watch every horror movie in the world if Alex asked her to.

***************

January 4th, 2005

Alex on something called a 'date' right now with one of our classmates, Timothy, which confused me greatly. With how much Alex talks about Vickie Donahue and many female actresses, I had assumed that she was interested in females. I did some research, and apparently, females who like other females are called 'lesbians' though strangely enough, not everyone is as okay with same-sex relationships on Earth as they were on Krypton. On Krypton, no one would have blinked at two females or two males being mated together. Apparently many people shamed it on Earth despite it being quite common in the wildlife. I suspect that Alex is, in fact, a lesbian but hasn't realized or is in denial about it. I have elected to let her figure it out on her own, because If I mention it she will refuse to talk about it and most likely not talk to me. I am confident that she will figure it out herself.

***************

Mon-El has become like a little brother to Kara, a rather crazy one that finds fascination in getting her drunk. She doesn't quite remember what it is he gave her, but it made her feel warm and fuzzy, like a pair of socks. She snickers at the idea. She feels like socks. Some how, repeating the notion in her head makes it ten times funnier and she doubles over, laughing outrageously while pounding on the table.

She hears Alex's voice above her, happy and amused.  
"What's so funny, drunkie?"

Kara continues laughing as she throws her head back.  
"Socks!- I feel like a pair of socks! HA!" Suddenly the joke doesn't seem so funny anymore. She stops laughing and stares at the table. "I wish I had fuzzy socks. I just have stupid work socks. What did I do to deserve boring socks?"

Alex is alarmed by her sudden change in attitude. She sits beside Kara and soothingly rubs her shoulders "Hey, come on, don't cry. I will go out and buy you fuzzy socks if you don't cry, c'mon Kar." Immediately the blonde perks up, a smile on her face. "You'll buy me fuzzy socks?" She squeals hopefully.

Alex smiles at the sight. "Yes Kara, I will go out and buy you fuzzy socks when you're sober."

Though slightly disappointed at the fact that she has to wait for her fuzzy socks, she still smiles as bright as possible, before yelling.

"Winn! WINN!"

Winn stumbles over, drink in one hand and his shirt halfway unbuttoned. "Wheres the bad guys?" He slured as he collapsed in the seat across from Kara and Alex.

Kara giggled as she pulled him closer by his collar. "There's no bad guys. But I have to tell you somethin'"  
Winn leaned forward, intrigued, as Alex leaned back in her seat and smiled.

"What is it Kara? You can tell me anything!" He whispered excitedly. Kara made a shushing gesture before whispering "Alex is gonna buy me fuzzy socks!"  
His jaw opened, like it was the most shocking thing ever before turning to Alex.

"Can you buy me fuzzy socks too?"

***************

March 15th, 2005

I have begun noticing something rather odd. Ever since Alex has begun going on dates, I have felt something that I do not enjoy. The thought of Alex dating makes me feel angry and sad, and despite my Kryptonian stomach sometimes it makes me feel sick. I do not enjoy feeling this way, and after consulting the Google, I recognize the symptoms as an emotion named Jealousy. I realize that I have romantic feelings for Alex, and I am not quite sure what to do about it. I will study her behaviors and see if my feelings are requited.

***************

"So" Alex began, breaking their comfortable silence as the TV played in the background "any new crushes?"  
Kara groaned. This question came up every few weeks that she hadn't mentioned someone. 

"Oh c'mon" Alex drawled out as she gently pushed her foot against Kara's shin. "There's got to be some new guy you have a crush on."

Kara thought about for a second, before remembering that there was a new employee at CatCo.

"Well, there is a new girl. Jessica. She works in Editing."  
Jessica was kinda cute she supposed. Kara hadn't had many conversations with her, but Winn said she was nice, single and bi.

"She's pretty, and bisexual. I might ask her out." It sounded kinda nice actually. She hadn't gone out in a while, maybe it'd be fun. Maybe she'd finally move on.

Alex was staring at her, with a strange expression on her face. 

"What?" Kara questioned. She felt a little self conscious, with Alex's unblinking gaze focused on her.

Alex cleared her throat. "You never told me you were into girls. Is this a new thing?"

Kara shrugged, and did her best to explain. "Krypton wasn't like Earth, we didn't have the same social norms. Same-sex couples were just as natural as heterosexual couples, so I didn't really think it ever mattered." She shrugged again. "I really only care if you're a nice person. And that you like pie."

"Hmm" Alex murmured, a thoughtful look on her face."Interesting."

***************

May 7th, 2005

I have studied Alex's reactions towards me, and they all seem to be of the platonic variety. She does not get flustered and stuttery, nor does her heart rate increase which all appear to be common signs of attraction. Though I am disheartened, I know I will survive. Alex may not have romantic feelings towards me, but I know she loves me, and that is easily enough for me.

***************

When Kara arrived home from work, she wasn't surprised to see Alex sitting at the table. Alex was often at Kara's apartment before Kara was, so nothing was out of the ordinary.

Only Alex's expression seemed odd, distant and thoughtful.

"Alex? You okay?"

The brunette looked up, and Kara realized there was tears on her cheeks. Dropping her bag, Kara rushed over to Alex's side.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Alex motioned to the table, where Kara's old diary from there teenage years lay.

Oh boy.

They had a lot to talk about.


	2. Of Discoveries and Fuzzy Socks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara realizes that running doesn't always lead you anywhere. At least not somewhere you wanna go.

Nononononono.

This was not happening. Maybe Alex hadn't read it? Maybe she crying because of allergies-or maybe she just upset because of work, right? There had to be another explanation because this WAS NOT HAPPENING. Panicking, Kara grabs the journal off the table and holds it against her chest as she backs away.

Maybe she could just pretend that this was some sort of nightmare, because she can't lose Alex.

Alex is her everything.

The edges of her vision are darkening, and some voice in the back of her head unhelpfully whispers about a panic attack. She ignores it, and does what she's always done best. Avoiding the issue.

"H-hey, Alex, do you w-wanna watch tv?"

Its unconvincing and they both know it, but Kara is praying to Rao that Alex will just not talk about this. It's cowardly and Kara knows that, but she's already lost so much, and losing Alex? She wouldn't survive that.

Alex rises from her chair, face expressionless- bar the tears. She walks toward Kara, making the blonde retreat further until her back hits the wall. Alex doesn't stop walking. The brunette opens her mouth and Kara can already taste the sting of rejection, making her throat close and her eyes water. She can feel it in her chest, filling up her lungs and tearing a larger hole in her than losing Krypton did. It makes her numb, the pressure from every single shitty thing that's happened in her life finally breaking her open, leaving her raw. 

A phone rings. It breaks them from their spell, interrupts Alex's words. After a couple seconds, Kara realizes that both their phones are ringing. Desperate for an escape from this situation, she hurriedly pulls it from her back pocket and answers it without looking at the caller ID.

"Hello?" She says, before quickly clearing her throat at how hoarse her own voice sounds. J'onns gravely voice comes through the phone, informing her of a bank robbery downtown. She leaves as quickly as possible, and Alex says nothing as she flies through the window.

It feels a lot like a goodbye.

***************

After taking care of the bank robbery, she goes into 'avoid Alex mode', which consists of not going to her apartment and sleeping in Lena's guest room. At least until she hears Alex's heartbeat heading towards the penthouse door. She quickly thanks Lena and leaves, and Lena simply tells her that she'll have to face this at some point.

On a logical level, she knows that Lena is right but she isn't being very logical at the moment, because she's being overrun by fear. Fear is especially good at causing panic.

On day 7 of 'avoid all your problems cause that will definitely work', there's an attack downtown. It's been relatively calm in the last week, and in the few things that had called for Supergirl she had left directly after solving the problem to not risk running into Alex.

It's stupid, she knows, but she's trying to save what's left of her heart by not verbally hearing Alex's rejection. Maybe then she can fool herself for a few minutes into thinking things are fine. But then Alex's crying face enters her mind and she's back to feeling like a coward. Alex is better off without her anyway.

The attack isn't an alien, it turns out, just a bunch of humans who managed to get ahold of alien gear. There's five of them in all, and she takes most of them down fairly easily. She's heading towards the last guy, and he's frantically pressing buttons on his weapon, a long barrelled thing that mostly resembles a pistol. His hands are shaking but he manages to do whatever it is he's attempting, and she hears Alex.

"Kara! Get down!"

It distracts her. She turns towards the voice and sees the brunette running at her, jaw hard and tense. She notices the bags under Alex's eyes, like she hasn't slept in a while.

A whirring sound turns her head back to the man, and the last thing she sees is a beam of green light.

***************

She feels like she's on fire. That's the first thing that registers, the scalding, burning pain in her body. It starts in her chest, travels down her stomach and legs and back up into her head. 

She screams, loud and rough. There are hands on her chest, pushing her down and a part of her recognizes that its Alex, but she's in too much pain to do anything about it.

She feels a prick on the side of her neck, and then everything is blissfully black again.

***************

When she comes to, the pain is no longer present, but she feels very tired, like she solar flared. Her throat feels like a dessert and her eyelids are heavy when she manages to lift them. 

There's pressure on her right hand, and when she turns her head she sees Alex sitting in an uncomfortable looking chair, her head laying on her forearms which are on top of Kara's hand, asleep.

She turns to the left and sees a cup of water laying on a small table. Her muscles feel atrophied when she reaches for it but its worth it when she manages to bring the cup to her lips.

The movement jostles Alex, who startles awake and quickly assists Kara, holding the cup to her lips for her.  
When the cup is empty Alex reaches across her and sets it back on the table, before looking at Kara.

"Are you still in any pain?" She questions, ever the scientist. Kara shakes her head and attempts to sit up, but Alex's hand on her shoulder stops her. 

"Don't try to sit up yet, Kara the medicine is still working through your system."

The blonde nods and lays back, before croaking out "What happened?"

Alex smoothes the hair on the blondes forehead back before answering. "Some low life criminals managed to get ahold of some alien tech, and they shot Kryptonite at you. It entered your bloodstream and nearly killed you. Her voice cracks, and Kara does her best to comfort her, pulling her down for a hug rubbing up and down her back as she whispers reassurances.

Alex clutches on to Kara, like she might slip away if she doesn't. Their position is somewhat awkward, what with Kara lying down, but this isn't about comfort, it's about providing stability to one another.

When Alex pulls herself back together, she leans back and wipes at her eyes.

"Don't think this means I'm not mad at you. We will definitely have a talk about you disappearing for a week." Its said with a glare, and Kara knows there's no point in running, even though she doesn't want to anymore. 

She doesn't want to run because maybe if they talk about this, about Kara's stupid feelings, then they can be friends again. She can still have Alex in her life, if it becomes kind of awkward.

That is, if Alex wants that. If she doesn't, Kara will walk away, and leave her heart behind. Selfishly, she hopes that Alex will still be her friend.

"When can I get out of here? This 'bed'" she said, putting air quotes on the word "is not comfortable in the slightest."

It really wasn't, it felt like a piece of metal. Considering they were at the DEO, it might have been. They weren't the best on bedside manner.

Alex chuckled, glad at the change in atmosphere. She didn't like it when things were awkward between them, it didn't happen often.

"You should be able to leave in about an hour, but no flying. I'll drive you home." The 'and then we'll talk' was left unsaid.

Kara pouted. "I hate driving."

Alex smiled.

***************

When they got back to Kara's apartment, it quickly became tense again. Her journal was still sitting on the table.

Without thinking, words tumbled out of Kara's mouth. "How much did you read?" Walking up beside her, Alex sighed. "I only read the last page. That's when you walked in and saw me."

The blonde let out a humorless chuckle. "That was the only part I didn't want you to read. Ironic, huh?"

The question was rather rhetorical, so Alex didn't answer it.

"I never knew" she said instead "you never told me."

Making a rash decision, Kara said "read all of it."

Alex's head shot in her direction. 

"What?"

"Read all of it" Kara repeated. "It'll make more sense."

"Are you sure?" Alex repeated, confused by this turn of events. Kara nodded. So, Alex sat down at the table and began reading while Kara prepared something to eat.

***************

Half an hour later, dinner was prepared and Alex was finished reading. Kara moved the journal off the table and tossed it on the counter. She should've burned it.

There was tear tracks on Alex's face and Kara silently handed her tissue as she set down a plate and silverware in front of the brunette. She sat at the opposite end of the table began eating as she watched Alex throw away the tissue and do the same.

There was silence for a few minutes, before Alex awkwardly said "so....you're in love with me."

Just as awkwardly, Kara replied. "Yep....so what now?" Alex stood up and smiled, the breathtaking one that made he eyes sparkle, and Kara didn't get to say much more.

Her mouth was otherwise occupied.

Maybe she would thank the Journal instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally suck so bad at summaries I'm sorry.
> 
> Also I know that they didn't really talk, but I just went where the story dragged me, and this is the finished product so....*shrug*

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm posting this at like 5 in the morning, so I apologize for any mistakes or typos. I'm not sure on adding another chapter, but I will if anyone wants me too!
> 
> Also, I made Kara's entries the way they did because my personal headcanon is that since Krypton was such an advanced planet, Kara would speak more formally than most people.
> 
> ~Star~


End file.
